18 August 2007

Is it the weather, or is it me?





The weather is cold and rainy, classes are suspended and it’s just me, the bed, my celphones, and the music playing from the laptop. I’m in depression mode again.


Last two days, I was sharing my past to a good friend and as I was reminiscing, I suddenly felt a strange feeling which seemed to be very familiar. After some time, I was able to determine that familiar feeling; it was the pain from a broken heart I had years ago. That pain is the root of my bitterness and mistrust today.


            My professor in Health Ethics back in 2nd year told us that, “The thing that gives you the most happiness is the same thing that will give you the most pain.” That’s LOVE. I said I don’t believe in love, but the truth is that I do believe in love, it’s just that I don’t think it really does exist in this world.


            There are more than 10M people in this world, is it possible that I find the right guy for me? Or will he be able to find me? In this world full to cruelty, lies, deception and avenging hearts, is it still possible for me to meet the person whom God intended for me? Will I still see that person who will change my heart which holds a bitter paradigm against love?


            It’s so ironic for a person like me, who doesn’t believe in the existence of love, to talk about it. I know only little about it, that’s why I have plenty of questions. Love, for me, is a mystery which I do not have the courage to explore. It’s a dangerous thing; it may satisfy or destroy you.


            As for me, I say I’m not yet ready for it and I do not know until when I will be not ready for it. But as what I always say, I’m not closing doors and “perfection is not a criterion.”


-written during no classes bec of bagyong Dodong